Someone special who didn't say much said a few important things to me at just the right times ten years ago.

Once, I was talking about people who had always or never done right or wrong by me. These were extreme interpretations of complex situations, which interpretations would eventually flip flop and surprise me, whether pleasantly (like when a bad professor at the start of a semester turns out to be the best at the end) or not (like when your hero turns into the bad guy). 

Rishi interrupted me and said: "Don't exaggerate."

Another time, I was upset about the many disappointments in this life, especially the handful of things I hadn't seen coming that had left me at a shocking loss and still felt impossible to accept. Whatever I was lamenting, I was all up in my tears. 

Rishi cut in without tissues or apology to say: "Cry inside."

Yet another time, I was going on and on about things I thought I knew. I had a masters degree rich with doctoral credits, good experiences working with people with PTSD and other intense forms of suffering, was practicing meditation and studying profound spiritual teachings... I believed I was closing in on the nature of reality! 

In the middle of my prideful monologue, Rishi asked: "Where is your heart?"

These were mind-stopping, ego-checking, heart-penetrating moments for me. I'll be unpacking them forever. Sharing them here now could save people who are smart and motivated a lot of time and money. These little gems might be a way to accomplish total sanity without therapy. They could be written on a sticky note and put on a mirror in less than five minutes for less than five dollars. 

Note to self: (1) Don't exaggerate. (2) Cry inside. (3) Where is your heart?

Daily at work I hear various difficult things, and the encouragement given equally to all is: 

Feel your feelings. Especially the ones you don't want. They're already there, beneath the story of what led to them, before the labels and treatments we apply to them. So there's really no point in suppressing them. But, don't express them right away either. For a time, have them all to yourself. 

Despite our reactions to many of our feelings - we orient to the negative ones as inconvenient, unwanted, or embarrassing - all feelings are primarily plain and true, an organism's particular conditioned response to its environment. They carry information, if not useful insights. Why refuse or try to pick and choose them? Hold them all in high regard.

Negative feelings do harm when compounded by refusals - our own first and foremost. In an ignored or corrected state, how can they inform us in the same way the positive ones do? They can't. They do what refused negative things do -  grow and morph in the dark, seep out sideways, implode as mental and physical illnesses, explode as interpersonal and social ruptures... 

Before all this, negative feelings like positive ones are weightless and harmless, faithful to our lived experiences and legacies, pertinent to our personal development and social contributions. Regardless of who else should be doing it, meeting our own negative feelings as they actually are changes what we say and do next and does us and the world so very much good. 

With the aid of those hints from my friend, here's how to feel negative feelings:

(1) Don't exaggerate. Be simple and literal in your knowing of what's happening in and around you, especially if what's happening is upsetting. Insert a self-regulation practice here if your body and mind need calming in order to know what's happening accurately.

(2) Cry inside. Locate the energy of sadness (or fear or anger) rising in your body, before it comes out of your eyes, mouth, fingers, or fists. Try to regard all feelings, including negative ones, as important nonverbal guests with crucial information; this orientation will allow them to come, say their piece, and go. When we fear and loathe feelings, as if enemies, there's no environment for them to enlighten us, to soften or strengthen us - there's just a mood of banishment. And if you think your own negative feelings are enemies, others' negative feelings, whether expressed clearly or confusedly, will likely offend if not threaten you, causing you to banish them, too. 

(3) Find your heart. As compelling as the story of a terrible (or wonderful) time may be, see what happens if you don't elaborate about it at all. Right in the middle of a story you're telling yourself or your best friend, drop into your heart. That's the soft spot somewhere in the upper middle of your being. It's the area that tenses at love, loss, beauty, guilt, or joy. Whether you hope your heart is open or you fear it is broken, go to it exactly as it is, the way a perfect loving mother would go to a hurting cherished child. If you can feel your heart no matter how you find it, there will be a birth of warmth and caring and the death of estrangement and malice. 

If only for a moment.

Even if I've misinterpreted the sentiments driving my loved one's statements ten years ago, I know them to be a living, immeasurable gift. Like diamonds cutting through concrete, they breach all the impenetrable stories that keep me from the very heart I wish to inhabit. May these gems help get you to yours.

Dedicated to true love 
in the form of a well loved remarkable teacher, 
a precious gem of a man who lived fully in the challenge and died well. 
May he rest in natural great peace.