A daughter sent that to me in a text, and for better and worse, depending on the context and who you ask, it is probably true.
You're paying me to arrange my days such that I have the conditions for change -- whatever is needed to meet my own monsters and calm my own demons, be my own hero and pay my own guides, untangle my own unease and disease, refuse grudges and accept blame, look into blind spots, hear myself think, feel heartbreak, take deep breaths, hang with good people and be good alone, know and trust myself, be myself.
Then I can really help you.
On a practical level, you're paying for me to attend relevant trainings and retreats, complete required coursework, maintain licenses and certifications, carry multiple insurances, keep a manageable schedule and a nice office.
On a personal level, you're paying for me to sustain myself. To have time with parents, visit daughters and teachers, practice and study with friends, run a few days a week, take breaks between clients, take care of my dogs, eat and sleep well.
On a deep level, since there's no cure for suffering, you're paying me to work honestly with mine so I can relate clearly to yours. You're paying me not to run into traffic, set anyone on fire, or berate myself at the end of the day no matter how hard things were, are, or will be in my life. You're paying me not to indulge or avoid upset -- to stay, be patient, hold forth, let go, think twice, and get back on my horse.
You're paying me to live in the same world as you that provides equally for criminals and hummingbirds and to wonder about that weirdness, to navigate the same loneliness epidemic as you and to keep generating love and compassion, to work just like you with-not-against the powerful energy of reminders of hardship on the way to peace of mind, society, and planet.
You're paying me to help people create the conditions for their own sanity so that they naturally become conditions for the sanity of others. Among the many who are confused and hurting themselves and others by extension, helpers like me are neglecting themselves and worse every day. Though I can understand how that happens, I believe that need not be so.
This post is to say that you're paying me for what isn't obvious, to practice what I preach, make the right choices when no one is looking, especially when it's hardest. Having ventured many a heroic bypass, not wanting to see and do all I encourage you to, I submit to the exertion and updating required to be human. Outwardly and behind the curtain, I commit to the conditions for change.
Thank you for paying me to be this way -- to do this work, which I truly enjoy. I mean it. Thank you.